My HG story: Nadine Muller
When I fell pregnant in October 2018, I was already prepared that we were in for a rough journey.
We'd left a deliberate gap between kids as my first pregnancy was less than plain sailing. I experienced HG for the first 20 weeks with Madden, but even then, I was still nowhere near prepared for the debilitating impact HG would have on my life second time round.
I wasn't prepared that HG would take over every area of my life. I wasn't prepared that I wouldn't be able to work, parent, or connect with loved ones. I wasn't prepared that the expected 20-week sickness would turn into a full 34 weeks of violent nausea, sedation and giving up my life before our beautiful boy joined us earthside six weeks before he was due.
HG hit me hard and fast. We'd planned out pregnancy so when the violent nausea started, the pregnancy test only confirmed what I already knew. Our beautiful baby was on the way, and we needed to buckle in because this was going to be a rough ride.
Tell us about your life prior to HG?
NM: The Nadine Muller cup is always half full. Before HG I was fit, healthy, active and overflowing with gratitude for the life we had made for ourselves. As a mum to three-year-old Madden and with a busy job as an RN in the RAAF, we had a juggling act on our hands, but we got life done between us and loved doing it.
Health and fitness were and still are a huge priority of mine. I ate well, exercised daily and believed that by looking after your body, you gave yourself the best possible chance to sail through pregnancy.
How do you think being a nurse impacted the way that you sort treatment in your first pregnancy?
NM: I'm a big believer in medication where necessary. While I try to live a natural life and believe you can prevent a lot of illness with a balanced diet and daily movement, I also see daily the privilege our country has of using modern medicine to treat illness.
Of course, I initially toyed with the idea of all of these medications I was taking, but when you’re that deep in desperation, a HG mama no longer questions, because then it’s a matter of simply surviving and trying anything that will give you some reprieve. I was so grateful that I could keep pushing to get medication that worked for me.
While there was heaps of trial and error, I ended up on a treatment protocol of meds to stop the cyclical vomiting, stop reflux, sedatives to help sleep, steroid injections and regular IV fluids as I was severely dehydrated and my OB scheduled me in for bi-weekly scheduled admissions just to keep me afloat as such.
My nursing background meant I left no stone unturned in getting the treatment I needed to survive. I hear of so many HG mamas being dismissed as though it's just morning sickness or made to feel like they shouldn't take medication which makes me incredibly sad and frustrated. I had an obstetrician who understands HG and combined with my own medical knowledge and speaking up it truly made the world of difference to my pregnancy.
How did your second HG experience differ from your first?
NM: HG subsided ‘somewhat’ at 20 weeks in my first pregnancy. In my second, it somewhat calmed down at around the same point, but it actually never subsided. The only way I can describe the latter part of pregnancy is when feeling the worst you can imagine is a better option than how you were feeling.
HG also had a bigger impact the second time around because it wasn't just me. I had a three-year-old who was missing his mummy and worrying that there was something seriously wrong. I was bed-ridden for two months and couldn't be the mum my boy so desperately needed, so I also had the heartbreak to go with it.
My overall mental health suffered more the second time around too. While I believe that nutrition and exercise are the solutions to many things, I could barely move my body which is my go-to when life deals out those wildcards.
What, if anything, did you do to prepare for your second pregnancy knowing that you were likely to suffer from HG again? This could be physical, mental or emotional - or how you prepared your family and support network for what was to come.
NM: I place the utmost importance on my physical health and was seriously committed to a training regime to make sure I was in optimal health. We'd worked out that hubby could have a bit of flexibility with his profession at the time in case there was a need to pick up any of my slack. We also shared with those closest to us that we were trying and what the reality of that might look like.
Overall though, I approached it the same way as I do most things – determination and positivity even though it was often with a trembling voice and trembling hands. It was hard to be positive most days, but I just held the faith the best I could and took each day as it came. I knew that whatever happened we'd get through it together one day - and some days - one hour at a time.
Given you have such a large following, how did it feel having to share the news of your second pregnancy so early?
NM: We announced our pregnancy at just seven weeks. While medical professionals recommend against this, it was one of the best things I could have done for my HG. It was through being open and honest about my journey that I could reach out to those who knew what I was going through.
Because, let's face it – when you've got your head stuck down the toilet bowl with cyclical vomiting and your whole life stops for months on end, there are very few people in your day-to-day life who understand.
It was a relief to me. Not only do I believe that it helped so many more mamas who I may not have reached otherwise, but it also allowed me to reach out and get my own support. There are a lot of Facebook support groups (yours included) which were absolutely essential when I was balls deep in the darkness and barely surviving each day.
Whilst I understand the reasoning why, for me, that expectation to remain completely silent early means perhaps many women are left to grieve or endure hardships like this privately and or without support with whatever hurdles they face and that didn’t feel right to me. Trying to cop9e alone seemed utterly ludicrous to me. Women need support at every stage and IF they feel they want to announce earlier respected to do that. So that they can rightfully celebrate and receive support should they need it. Trying to wait until the traditional pregnancy-safe mark to announce our blessing was impossible. The early days where a lonely and dark time and when I wasn't viciously throwing up, constant nausea meant I wasn't myself and I needed my loved ones to know why that was. I couldn't work, I couldn't do day-care drop-offs, Dane had to basically stop work to look after me and run our home.
There was no way I could hide all this from those closest to me, and there was no way I wanted to.
How did your first baby cope with you being sick? Was there anything you did to help him understand what was going on? Do you have any advice for mother's struggling with HG who have kids living through it with them?
NM: Aww my heart still breaks for what Madden went through. He was only three so he didn't understand why mummy couldn't get out of bed and play with him. He is the sweetest soul and would play doctors as we'd told him I was sick. His dad is an absolute legend and absolutely carried the family during that time, but Madden missed his mummy and that broke me every single day.
I don't really have any advice as each situation is so unique. We told Madden that mummy had a baby in her tummy but we were also cautious not to give negative associations with the baby, so we worked really hard to keep the sickness as positive as possible. The boys are super close now so whatever we did worked. You know your child mamas, that's all I can really say.
Do you think your honesty about living with HG encouraged other women to share their experiences? And is this something you think is important?
NM: Gosh, I hope so. Society puts so much pressure on women to live this beautiful, empowering journey when pregnant and for some, it definitely is like that. For others though, it can be sheer hell and that needs to be more widely known. Some women struggle to get pregnant and many can't at all so I know we're conditioned to show nothing but gratitude for our pregnancy, but I guarantee that gratitude alone won't get anyone through a HG pregnancy. There needs to be more understanding, more opportunities to connect and it needs to be OK that a HG pregnancy is one of the most traumatic things a woman can endure.
Over the last year we've seen a number of 'influencers' or people with large online followings sharing their stories about pregnancy sickness (and other pregnancy issues) - do you think it's important for people with public profiles to show this side of themselves? In what ways do you think this benefits the women who follow you?
NM: Absolutely! The biggest comfort for me was knowing I wasn't on my own. The more people who share what they're going through, the better for everyone. HG is such an isolating condition due to the misconception that it's just morning sickness.
Not only that, but it's also helpful to get tips on what might help to feel better. Whether that's ice chips, frozen cokes or medication. Talking about this gives mamas the confidence to keep asking the right questions and pushing back against healthcare professionals who don't believe HG is real or understand its implications.
How do you think HGA will change the experience of HG in Australia?
NM: The awareness support and education that HGA is creating is next level. Giving women the confidence to speak up, to banish BS societal pressures of the 12-week rule and join together to understand the condition, the treatments available and the implications on life and family is so super powerful. I'm honoured to play some small part in it.
HG is so real, so debilitating, and I can't even fathom how many women are living through this each day and are being told to put their big girl pants on and deal with their morning sickness. This breaks my absolute heart so the more awareness for all women across Australia, the better.
What is one thing support people should know about NVP and HG?
NM: HG is so much more than just the physical symptoms. The emotional and mental turmoil is so real when you're in the depths of despair and you have to put relationships and life in general on hold. HG is more than what you see, and something has to give. In most situations – everything does. It’s family, children, relationships, career, health, fitness, business, social being, personal wellbeing and the mental. As deep as it is, people need to know how serious HG is and can be. It leads women to the deepest depths of despair, it’s tragic yet many people live through the mess and do so in hope to create our baby miracles.
One thing you should never say to a HG mama?
NM: “Have you tried ginger?"
Seriously, f**k ginger! You could inject that shit into my veins and it would still do squat. Seriously no amount of ginger is going to help a woman with HG. And if it does – WELL then it isn’t HG – trust me.
There's so much stigma about what you can and can't eat and drink during pregnancy. When you talk about all the medication you need just to survive each day, the Judgy McJudgerson's stare at you in shock. There is nobody that knows better than a HG mama what their baby needs. If that's medication to keep the mama safe and help them survive each day then so be it.
Please don't tell a HG mama you understand if you haven’t been in her exact shoes before, please don't tell her it'll all be worth it (She knows that but it’s freken hard), please just offer her the practical support she needs to keep her head above water. She's in a dark place, trust me.
If you could say one thing to mum's currently suffering from pregnancy sickness, what would it be:
NM: You beautiful group of ladies are all so insanely powerful. Celebrate the small wins in the not so dark days and keep putting one tentative foot in front of the other. When you're only a few weeks into a 40-week pregnancy, I completely understand there's no way you believe you're going to get through. But you will. Find the right support who understand HG and my fellow HG warriors, if all you can do each day is keep breathing, then just do that. We all know that pain can shape us and HG has shaped me, as it will you, in the darkest of alienated days I would often whisper to myself ‘hard isn’t impossible’ and day by day, no matter how long and drawn out it felt, we made it. Just like you will. I like to think sometimes we have to have experienced a whole lot of hell to appreciate our own versions of heaven and perhaps HG is like that because as I write this, looking at both of my HG-made boys asleep, I am unmistakably sure that the HG struggle was and always will be worth it. Hang tight, you’re never ever ALONE and I for one, along with this HGA community, will walk in the darkness with you until it becomes light once more!
Xo Nadine